The Learning Curve

When I was younger, I had visions of being a mommy. They generally included happy, smiling children, milk & cookies, and lots of figurative sunshine. Even though I grew up as one of the oldest children in a family of 6 kids and saw how day-to-day living was, I was determined that my kids, my home, and my own family wouldn't be like that.

For the first year or so of Kallie's life, things were great! I felt that I had a handle on this parenting thing and patience and perpetual feelings of love and goodwill came very easily. Even when I was sick during my pregnancy with Whitney, I still felt like I was doing a pretty good job as a parent. And then, in an almost fateful twist of revenge, Kallie turned two.

I will say, now that they're almost over, the "terrible twos" really haven't been too terrible. In fact, Kallie started going through that phase several months before she turned two. Being our oldest, we wondered how much more "terrible" she could get at that point and have been relieved that it hasn't changed much. But, that was about that time I realized constant milk & cookies just wasn't the way it was going to be--even in my own family with my kids.

For several months, I struggled through parenting. I had a new baby, a terribly two toddler, and was dealing with low adrenal functioning, (symptoms similar to post-partum depression). So, for many months, it was all a matter of just getting through the day as I pushed toward the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought that once the adrenal issues were taken care of, I would return to being the parent I imagined I would be. As my adrenal functioning improved and my parenting didn't, I slowly came to the realization that the problem wasn't with outside influences--it was with me.

Last Sunday, we had ward conference with the theme of "Behold Your Little Ones." In order to help us prepare for what we would learn at our conference, starting 2 weeks before the meeting, we were asked to study our scriptures daily, use the LDS Church Hymns in our home, use the General Conference Ensign for our FHE lessons, read talks related to the theme, and fast from media the day before. Since many of these things are already part of our daily routine, and I made a point to participate in the things that weren't, I felt like I was going to be really prepared for our meetings on Sunday.

What I didn't anticipate was that the week before was one of the most challenging weeks in recent history for us. Honestly, nothing major happened, (it's not usually the major things that get to us, anyway). The fact was that from Monday morning until...well, this is still happening today, Kallie whined and cried literally ALL DAY LONG. And, when I say that, I'm not exaggerating. One day of a fussy nearly-three-year old starts to grate on you...but seven days straight is more than enough to rattle even a veteran parent. I tried so hard to stay calm and be patient and loving, but by Sunday morning, I had had enough. To compound my frustrations, Kallie decided, after 4 days of NO accidents, (I was so proud of her!), that she didn't need to put her poops in the potty that day. Honestly, even with all of my careful preparations, I don't remember a thing that was said on Sunday. I was much too frustrated to let anything sink into my heart that day.

The next night, my wonderful, amazing husband and I started talking. You know those talks you have when it's time for bed, but you just have to much to discuss to put it on hold for the sake of sleep? We shared our concerns about the way things were going with Kallie, as we both felt we weren't parenting her the way we would like. As we talked, Ryan said in the Priesthood lesson on
Sunday, they had talked about giving blessing to their family members. I said, "What a great idea! You can give Kallie a blessing!" (And, my thought was, "Then all of these issues will be solved!" I know--you can laugh about that one with me.) And, my ever sweet and patient husband said, "Actually, I was thinking that you might need one." I agreed that it could only help...and he gave me a beautiful blessing that I didn't know how much I needed.

Since that evening, (I realize it's only been a couple of days), I have felt such a change in my life. I feel that Heavenly Father has started breaking down whatever walls I had put in place and I am now ready to progress again. At first, I was a little perturbed that I "had" to go through this difficulty. But, as I thought about it, within moments, I realized that there is no other way but straight through to get me where we need to be. As much as I think it would be nice to skirt the issue and not really deal with it, that would not give me the chance to improve and become a more loving, more patient, and more understanding person.

I am actually excited to have such a challenge in my life right now. Since God never gives us more than we can handle, I feel that it means I'm done dealing with the physical adrenal issues and am ready to take on this next challenge, which is of a more spiritual nature. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to let me have these experiences--and helps me through them every step of the way. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ--because that is what allows me to improve and move forward with my life. I am grateful for Their love for and confidence in me and my abilities--otherwise, I wouldn't have this chance to grow and become a better person.