13 High Points for 2013

Last week, I received a Christmas card from a friend I've had for over 30 years. (Man. That seems like a very long time!) She, unlike me, sends a Christmas card every year. Her card always includes a beautiful picture of her family--outfits perfectly coordinated, happy, DARLING family. The non-braggy letter is always a great snapshot of their year in review. On the day I received her card, I was in a post-Christmas slump from eating too much and accomplishing too little for few days. Upon reading her letter, I immediately fell into the "I'm not good enough" trap that I sometimes like to spring on myself. I actually climbed back into bed for a while.

About that same time, I read a blog post from a high school friend of mine. Her perspective lifted my spirits and I found myself considering my year in review. I realized that I have no reason to put myself into the "I'm not good enough" category. Not because I've accomplished so much, or because I'm super woman, because those are both definitely debatable, but because my life is truly full and happy right where I am. And no one but me can debate that.

So, in that spirit, here are Amanda's 13 High Points from 2013:

1. A year ago right now, I was in the depths of post-partum depression. I have thought about this MANY times in the past few weeks, comparing where I am now with where I was last year. The difference is staggering. Stag.ger.ing. January found me having weekly visits to my therapist. And, I'm happy to say that after a few months of therapy, I am fully recovered from that dark period of my life. There's a country song that says,

"If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

I identify with this idea--because I did get out. And in retrospect, I learned so much from that extremely challenging experience. It's hard to quantify or even explain, especially through writing, but I hope that what I learned will be a benefit and a blessing to myself, my family, and my friends in the future.

2. Early in the year and, consequently, as part of dealing with depression, I decided that Ryan and I were going to have a weekly date. I hired one of the Young Women in our ward as our "weekly sitter" and we were off. I didn't have the stress of finding a sitter, (which I HATED with the hating of all hates), I got to spend time away from home with my favorite person in the world, and I had something to look forward to every week. It was *just* what I needed--and I'm so glad we've made a habit of a weekly date!

3. In February, I was called back into the Young Women's organization in our ward, after serving for a year in another calling. I get to work with a group of amazing, AMAZING girls, as well as with some amazing, AMAZING women. I get to teach, talk to, and most of all, LOVE these girls--and it has been so wonderful.

4. A few months into the year, I decided to make some positive changes in my life--and, as a result, lost 40 lbs. in about 7 months. I was amazed by this progress, as every attempt in the past has resulted in failure. Being able to make these changes has been empowering--and taught me that I can accomplish almost anything.

5. Just after school got out, I started a new chore system for my kids. While I've tried lots of options in the past, this one has worked really well for our family. It has lasted through the start of the school year and helped create a happier spirit in our home. When school started, we had a few bumps related to the girls taking care of their responsibilities in the morning. We started the morning checklist, which must be done before they get in the car. All I have to say is, "Have you checked everything off on your checklist?" This has helped us have happier, smoother mornings. Another factor is that I've relaxed about what HAS to be done on a daily basis. Sure I want my home clean, but if it requires stress and/or yelling on my part, it's really not worth it. So, things don't always get done. But, again, there is such a better spirit in our home that I can certainly say it's been worth it!

6. This past summer, our ward Young Women presidency was asked to create and execute an activity for our stake girls' camp. We put it together as a group and then I got to take our hard work and head up the activity at camp. It was such a fantastic experience. I also got to create and teach a lesson to our ward Young Women group during "Ward Time" at camp. Putting the activities/lessons together and being able to be there with the girls was incredible. Once again, I love being in the Young Women organization!

7. This year, I've really enjoyed listening to Conversations on the Mormon Channel and BYU Devotionals on a regular basis. I love to turn on a talk or an interview as I'm working in the kitchen. I know this may seem to be a strange "high point" of my year--but as I look back over the year, this small thing has played a big role as I've gained new insights and been boosted by the simple spiritual uplift.

8.  It's amazing how much home-related projects have been a high point for me. I've spent a little time here and there this past year organizing places in my home. Every time I look at those places, it makes me happy. I have actually been a bit surprised at how much peace has come into my life from one small organizational project (or a few...). Also this year, Ryan finished the entry way molding, (started 3 years ago), and I did a bit of decorating. I have better determined what my style is and what I love to surround myself with (thank you again, depression). As I've put these items/colors in my home, I've started to love my surroundings more--and I feel so good about what I'm creating.

9. As I review my year, I see how much I've learned about friendship. And as the year finishes out, I have felt so much love from my friends. This is another experience that I can't really put into words. I am so grateful for answered prayers. My heart really is full from the friendships I've worked so hard to find and cultivate. These experiences and people are such a blessing in my life.

10. Time Out for Women was certainly a high point toward the end of the year. This goes hand-in-hand with the friendships I've developed and the spiritual uplift I've experienced. It was a great weekend and really just what I needed at the right time. (Maybe this one is cliché. So be it.)

11. About the same time I went to TOFW, I had some intense experiences related to a bus stop. While that sounds really out of place, I felt so much like I was an instrument in God's hands to make some necessary changes in unsafe situations. It took a little time, but things were changed for the better. This was another very empowering situation for me--as I think it always is when we are able to effect positive changes to improve the world around us.

12. One of the most MAJOR high points of my year was our trip to the Baltic countries, where I served my mission 10+ years ago. This is something I still need to blog about, (thankfully, I pen-and-paper journaled while it was happening). I LOVED seeing old friends, seeing how the countries have developed, speaking Russian (poorly), and--perhaps most of all--sharing places and people who are part of me with my other half. Ryan and I had a blast together! I feel like I got to see a whole new side of my husband that doesn't necessarily show up in the midst of daily living. It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for so many reasons. And being there as a tourist increased my love for the people and places even more, which I didn't think was possible. Both Ryan and I left feeling like we could live there someday.

13. Finally, I have grown so much in my testimony of and relationship with Jesus Christ. It began during therapy (though we never talked about religious beliefs) and has continued with so many of these noted experiences through the year. I understand so much better how to rely on my Savior and why I so desperately need Him and His influence in my life every day. I still have a long way to go in this aspect, but I am SO grateful for the things I've learned and felt this year.

As you can tell, this year has been pretty great. And, maybe now, the fact that my life is full and happy is a little less debatable than it was when I started this list. Hopefully 2014 holds just as much happiness!

Striving for Perfection

Today, I was supposed to speak in church--but it turns out Clayton had other plans, since he got sick in the middle of the night. We decided that Ryan should be the lucky one who still got to give his talk. I was honestly disappointed to miss out on this opportunity. Especially because I feel like my talk was the other half of Ryan's. For all who were hoping to hear my talk, here it is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a memory as a young girl of visiting my great-aunt and great-uncle in their home. While the adults stayed upstairs to chat, we kids headed down to the basement to raid the game closet.  One particular game stands out—it was called “Perfection.” For those who haven’t seen this game, the board consists of a grid with a different shaped hole in each square. Each hole had a matching shaped peg, which must be put into place before the timer ran out. When time ran out, the board popped, sending any previously placed pegs flying. I remember the intense concentration, the hurried movement, and the hopeful anticipation of successfully beating the clock. I also remember the equally intense frustration and let down when, with only a piece or two to go, time ran out—and you’d have to collect your scattered pieces and start all over again.

I think at times, this game mirrors our lives. But instead of pieces on a game board, we’re working to fit our lives into the pattern of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Sometimes, we give our all—intense concentration, consistent action, and anticipation of success—and then something pops and our efforts are seemingly scattered. And we start to wonder how in the world we will ever be able to follow the Savior’s commandment to “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matt. 5:48).

President Harold B. Lee said:

I am convinced that the Master was not merely thinking relatively when he said, ‘Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ [Matthew 5:48.] … Would you suppose the Savior was suggesting a goal that was not possible of attainment and thus mock us in our efforts to live to attain that perfectness? It is impossible for us here in mortality to come to that state of perfection of which the Master spoke, but in this life we lay the foundation on which we will build in eternity; therefore, we must make sure that our foundation is laid on truth, righteousness and faith.

I love that President Lee reminded us that it is impossible for us to come to this state of perfection in mortality. I think we all believe that’s true—and then we promptly turn around and expect perfection of ourselves in one way or another. The rich young ruler was already living the Ten Commandments, and wanted to continue improving himself. He asked the Savior, “What lack I yet?” If any of you are like me, a question like that has the ability to strike fear in your heart—and possibly cause a few anxiety attacks along the way. Most of us can come up with countless ways in which we’re lacking. In fact, our shortcomings are often much more of a focus than our successes. And often, this is what is holding us back.

My degree is in Family Science. During one class period in my “Theories in Family Relations” class, my professor performed an experiment involving positive and negative feedback. Two random students were sent into the hallway at the top of our amphitheater-style classroom, while the rest of the class decided that upon entering, these students were to play a note on the piano in the front corner of the room.  When the first student entered, she began to explore a little. Every time she did something other than play a note on the piano, the professor provided negative feedback by saying things like, “No,” “wrong,” “that’s not it.” After about a minute and a half, this student sat down on the top step, and said, “I’m done. I quit.” She hadn’t progressed more than about 2-3 feet from the door. When the second student entered, every attempt she made to figure out the task was met with positive feedback. She was told, “Great job!” “You’re making progress” “That’s right” “You’re getting there!” Within less than 30 seconds, this student went down the steps, crossed the classroom, and played the piano.

When we focus on our failures and shortcomings, we are providing ourselves that negative feedback. And, as this experiment illustrated, the only thing that does is make us want to stop trying—for fear of continually failing. When we, instead focus on what we’re doing right, we are much more likely to feel encouraged and able to continue moving forward in our lives—toward that goal of eventual perfection.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with some very good friends. I don’t remember particulars about the conversation, but I do remember that one of them mentioned how rebellious she is. Now you have to understand the woman that we’re talking about here—she has 5 children and has been through some truly harrowing trials in her life. She has a strong testimony of the gospel, and is doing everything in her power to raise her family according to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through all of her struggles and challenges, she has chosen to remain true to what she knows to be right and good. She is constantly putting her own needs on hold to serve and meet the needs of another person—whether family, friend, or stranger. She is someone that I admire for all of her strength—and yet here she was, expressing concern that she was never enough because there was always MORE that she could do better. There always is. ALWAYS.

I love how Anne Morrow Lindbergh phrased this when she said, “My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds.” And instead of “people,” I think we could state instead: causes, situations, and/or concerns. This is true of every effort we can make in this life. We will fall short within ourselves. We will fall short in our family relationships. We will fall short in our community efforts. The list is endless in all of the ways we can fall short!

Too often, we see our situation like Brad Wilcox, former Sunday School board member, described when he said:

In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.

Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.”

Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.”

As similar concerns came up that evening, I found myself practically shouting, “BUT DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN THE ATONEMENT?” Because when we really, truly, actually believe in and act upon the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we no longer view ourselves as flawed and imperfect. We no longer hold ourselves to an impossible standard, where we have to be nearly perfect to access the power of the Atonement. We instead see ourselves the way our Savior does: as one who is worthy of His love and grace no matter where we find ourselves on the path of life. NO MATTER WHERE WE FIND OURSELVES.

Returning to Brother Wilcox’s scenario, he continues:

But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” … Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

Knowing that the love Jesus Christ has for us is secure and real is the best positive reinforcement we can experience in this life. And when allow ourselves, as imperfect beings, to experience that perfect love, we are able to become the person that our Savior sees within us. And knowing who you truly are is such a freeing experience. What others think and say about your imperfections holds a lot less weight when you know you are unconditionally loved. But more than that, what you think and say about your own imperfections changes when you feel that pure love of Christ. Somehow they become a lot less important.

So the next question usually is, “Why should I even try? If Jesus Christ loves me how I am, what’s the point?” The answer comes straight from the Savior Himself. In 1 Peter 1:16, we read words from the Savior, “Be ye holy; for I am holy.” And from 3^rd Nephi 27:27, we read, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” We show through the choices we make in our lives whether we want to emulate Jesus Christ or not. When we walk in the paths and commandments He has set forth, when we serve in the ways He has taught, He knows whom we have chosen to be our Master, (see John 12:26). And we are blessed and strengthened, even in our weakness, to hold to the path of eventual perfection.

I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know that the Atonement is real. And I know that as we hold to those two things, we will eventually “be…therefore perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect."