50 States Notebooking Sheets

In our homeschool this year, we're beginning our study of the 50 states. I knew that I wanted research-based worksheets for my 5th and 3rd graders, so I started looking around. I found a lot of great resources! But, I wasn't able to find one that had all of the components I was looking for. So, I took my favorite parts from what I saw and created my own. I can't wait for my kids to start using these this fall!

Family Tree

I know it's been nearly a year since I last posted. Apparently, life has been much too entertaining to actually WRITE about it. ;) (Though, I really wish I had... I have about 12 posts forming in my head at any given moment.)

Anyway--I recently finished a major project (one year in the making!) and since I've been asked repeatedly how I did it, I thought I'd put all of the info in one place where I could point people. That, and one of my friends said, "You should pinterest that jank." (That's a direct quote--Hi Hil!) So, here's the jank:

Please excuse the level. My husband had JUST finished hanging all of the pics! (I'm 8 mos. pregnant and don't trust my balance right now...)

So, here are the answers to the questions:

1. The tree is a vinyl sticker I got on etsy. He will customize the initials and even customized the size to fit my space (and pro-rated the cost). Here's a link to the listing in the shop I bought it from: https://www.etsy.com/listing/128999991/family-tree-decal-vinyl-wall-tree-decal?ref=shop_home_active_3&ga_search_query=family%2Btree

2. I started with the trunk/branches. They went up pretty quickly. And then life happened, so that was all we had on the wall for several months. The next thing I added was the shelf at the bottom. I don't remember where I got it--Hobby Lobby? Home Depot? Fred Meyer? It is specifically a picture ledge, 36 in. wide., and was quite easy (for my husband) to hang. The leaves didn't go on until a couple of weeks ago--and those took a LONG time. I cut around each one, and then applied them all individually. I printed out a picture of the tree and taped it to the wall so I could refer to it as I was placing the leaves. I had originally considered not even putting on the leaves, (I got used to the bare tree branches), but I'm glad I did because I love the way it looks now!

3. It took a while to get all of the pictures collected. I used familysearch.org to print out a "fan chart" of my husband's and my family history to make sure I didn't miss anyone. This was one of my favorite parts of the whole process! I specifically asked for wedding pictures or pictures from our family members' younger years. Although some of the pics aren't from that stage of their lives, I absolutely love the pics that I ended up getting. There are still 2 pictures missing--one of my husband's great-grandparents and our #5 baby, who will arrive in a few weeks.

4. I bought all of the frames at Hobby Lobby. You can't beat the price, since they're 50% off every day! The kids pics and the second tier (4 frames) are 4x6. My husband and I are 8x10, first tier (2 frames) is 5x7, and third tier (8 frames) is 3.5x5. Besides the pictures of my kids and us, (which were printed at Costco), I printed the rest at home. I used Microsoft Publisher to resize them and converted a few into black and white.

5. To get all of the pics where I wanted them on the tree, I cut out paper the same size as the outer dimensions of the frame and taped those to the wall. Once those were up, I turned the project over to Ryan--who made sure the pictures were all hung level. He did a fantastic job and adjusted all of my measurements, which were approximate.

This display is on the stair landing in our 2-story entry. I LOVE walking down the stairs and seeing these pics every day. And what I love even more is that my kids are going to be able to put names to faces as they hear stories of these family members.

13 High Points for 2013

Last week, I received a Christmas card from a friend I've had for over 30 years. (Man. That seems like a very long time!) She, unlike me, sends a Christmas card every year. Her card always includes a beautiful picture of her family--outfits perfectly coordinated, happy, DARLING family. The non-braggy letter is always a great snapshot of their year in review. On the day I received her card, I was in a post-Christmas slump from eating too much and accomplishing too little for few days. Upon reading her letter, I immediately fell into the "I'm not good enough" trap that I sometimes like to spring on myself. I actually climbed back into bed for a while.

About that same time, I read a blog post from a high school friend of mine. Her perspective lifted my spirits and I found myself considering my year in review. I realized that I have no reason to put myself into the "I'm not good enough" category. Not because I've accomplished so much, or because I'm super woman, because those are both definitely debatable, but because my life is truly full and happy right where I am. And no one but me can debate that.

So, in that spirit, here are Amanda's 13 High Points from 2013:

1. A year ago right now, I was in the depths of post-partum depression. I have thought about this MANY times in the past few weeks, comparing where I am now with where I was last year. The difference is staggering. Stag.ger.ing. January found me having weekly visits to my therapist. And, I'm happy to say that after a few months of therapy, I am fully recovered from that dark period of my life. There's a country song that says,

"If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there."

I identify with this idea--because I did get out. And in retrospect, I learned so much from that extremely challenging experience. It's hard to quantify or even explain, especially through writing, but I hope that what I learned will be a benefit and a blessing to myself, my family, and my friends in the future.

2. Early in the year and, consequently, as part of dealing with depression, I decided that Ryan and I were going to have a weekly date. I hired one of the Young Women in our ward as our "weekly sitter" and we were off. I didn't have the stress of finding a sitter, (which I HATED with the hating of all hates), I got to spend time away from home with my favorite person in the world, and I had something to look forward to every week. It was *just* what I needed--and I'm so glad we've made a habit of a weekly date!

3. In February, I was called back into the Young Women's organization in our ward, after serving for a year in another calling. I get to work with a group of amazing, AMAZING girls, as well as with some amazing, AMAZING women. I get to teach, talk to, and most of all, LOVE these girls--and it has been so wonderful.

4. A few months into the year, I decided to make some positive changes in my life--and, as a result, lost 40 lbs. in about 7 months. I was amazed by this progress, as every attempt in the past has resulted in failure. Being able to make these changes has been empowering--and taught me that I can accomplish almost anything.

5. Just after school got out, I started a new chore system for my kids. While I've tried lots of options in the past, this one has worked really well for our family. It has lasted through the start of the school year and helped create a happier spirit in our home. When school started, we had a few bumps related to the girls taking care of their responsibilities in the morning. We started the morning checklist, which must be done before they get in the car. All I have to say is, "Have you checked everything off on your checklist?" This has helped us have happier, smoother mornings. Another factor is that I've relaxed about what HAS to be done on a daily basis. Sure I want my home clean, but if it requires stress and/or yelling on my part, it's really not worth it. So, things don't always get done. But, again, there is such a better spirit in our home that I can certainly say it's been worth it!

6. This past summer, our ward Young Women presidency was asked to create and execute an activity for our stake girls' camp. We put it together as a group and then I got to take our hard work and head up the activity at camp. It was such a fantastic experience. I also got to create and teach a lesson to our ward Young Women group during "Ward Time" at camp. Putting the activities/lessons together and being able to be there with the girls was incredible. Once again, I love being in the Young Women organization!

7. This year, I've really enjoyed listening to Conversations on the Mormon Channel and BYU Devotionals on a regular basis. I love to turn on a talk or an interview as I'm working in the kitchen. I know this may seem to be a strange "high point" of my year--but as I look back over the year, this small thing has played a big role as I've gained new insights and been boosted by the simple spiritual uplift.

8.  It's amazing how much home-related projects have been a high point for me. I've spent a little time here and there this past year organizing places in my home. Every time I look at those places, it makes me happy. I have actually been a bit surprised at how much peace has come into my life from one small organizational project (or a few...). Also this year, Ryan finished the entry way molding, (started 3 years ago), and I did a bit of decorating. I have better determined what my style is and what I love to surround myself with (thank you again, depression). As I've put these items/colors in my home, I've started to love my surroundings more--and I feel so good about what I'm creating.

9. As I review my year, I see how much I've learned about friendship. And as the year finishes out, I have felt so much love from my friends. This is another experience that I can't really put into words. I am so grateful for answered prayers. My heart really is full from the friendships I've worked so hard to find and cultivate. These experiences and people are such a blessing in my life.

10. Time Out for Women was certainly a high point toward the end of the year. This goes hand-in-hand with the friendships I've developed and the spiritual uplift I've experienced. It was a great weekend and really just what I needed at the right time. (Maybe this one is cliché. So be it.)

11. About the same time I went to TOFW, I had some intense experiences related to a bus stop. While that sounds really out of place, I felt so much like I was an instrument in God's hands to make some necessary changes in unsafe situations. It took a little time, but things were changed for the better. This was another very empowering situation for me--as I think it always is when we are able to effect positive changes to improve the world around us.

12. One of the most MAJOR high points of my year was our trip to the Baltic countries, where I served my mission 10+ years ago. This is something I still need to blog about, (thankfully, I pen-and-paper journaled while it was happening). I LOVED seeing old friends, seeing how the countries have developed, speaking Russian (poorly), and--perhaps most of all--sharing places and people who are part of me with my other half. Ryan and I had a blast together! I feel like I got to see a whole new side of my husband that doesn't necessarily show up in the midst of daily living. It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for so many reasons. And being there as a tourist increased my love for the people and places even more, which I didn't think was possible. Both Ryan and I left feeling like we could live there someday.

13. Finally, I have grown so much in my testimony of and relationship with Jesus Christ. It began during therapy (though we never talked about religious beliefs) and has continued with so many of these noted experiences through the year. I understand so much better how to rely on my Savior and why I so desperately need Him and His influence in my life every day. I still have a long way to go in this aspect, but I am SO grateful for the things I've learned and felt this year.

As you can tell, this year has been pretty great. And, maybe now, the fact that my life is full and happy is a little less debatable than it was when I started this list. Hopefully 2014 holds just as much happiness!

Striving for Perfection

Today, I was supposed to speak in church--but it turns out Clayton had other plans, since he got sick in the middle of the night. We decided that Ryan should be the lucky one who still got to give his talk. I was honestly disappointed to miss out on this opportunity. Especially because I feel like my talk was the other half of Ryan's. For all who were hoping to hear my talk, here it is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a memory as a young girl of visiting my great-aunt and great-uncle in their home. While the adults stayed upstairs to chat, we kids headed down to the basement to raid the game closet.  One particular game stands out—it was called “Perfection.” For those who haven’t seen this game, the board consists of a grid with a different shaped hole in each square. Each hole had a matching shaped peg, which must be put into place before the timer ran out. When time ran out, the board popped, sending any previously placed pegs flying. I remember the intense concentration, the hurried movement, and the hopeful anticipation of successfully beating the clock. I also remember the equally intense frustration and let down when, with only a piece or two to go, time ran out—and you’d have to collect your scattered pieces and start all over again.

I think at times, this game mirrors our lives. But instead of pieces on a game board, we’re working to fit our lives into the pattern of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Sometimes, we give our all—intense concentration, consistent action, and anticipation of success—and then something pops and our efforts are seemingly scattered. And we start to wonder how in the world we will ever be able to follow the Savior’s commandment to “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matt. 5:48).

President Harold B. Lee said:

I am convinced that the Master was not merely thinking relatively when he said, ‘Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ [Matthew 5:48.] … Would you suppose the Savior was suggesting a goal that was not possible of attainment and thus mock us in our efforts to live to attain that perfectness? It is impossible for us here in mortality to come to that state of perfection of which the Master spoke, but in this life we lay the foundation on which we will build in eternity; therefore, we must make sure that our foundation is laid on truth, righteousness and faith.

I love that President Lee reminded us that it is impossible for us to come to this state of perfection in mortality. I think we all believe that’s true—and then we promptly turn around and expect perfection of ourselves in one way or another. The rich young ruler was already living the Ten Commandments, and wanted to continue improving himself. He asked the Savior, “What lack I yet?” If any of you are like me, a question like that has the ability to strike fear in your heart—and possibly cause a few anxiety attacks along the way. Most of us can come up with countless ways in which we’re lacking. In fact, our shortcomings are often much more of a focus than our successes. And often, this is what is holding us back.

My degree is in Family Science. During one class period in my “Theories in Family Relations” class, my professor performed an experiment involving positive and negative feedback. Two random students were sent into the hallway at the top of our amphitheater-style classroom, while the rest of the class decided that upon entering, these students were to play a note on the piano in the front corner of the room.  When the first student entered, she began to explore a little. Every time she did something other than play a note on the piano, the professor provided negative feedback by saying things like, “No,” “wrong,” “that’s not it.” After about a minute and a half, this student sat down on the top step, and said, “I’m done. I quit.” She hadn’t progressed more than about 2-3 feet from the door. When the second student entered, every attempt she made to figure out the task was met with positive feedback. She was told, “Great job!” “You’re making progress” “That’s right” “You’re getting there!” Within less than 30 seconds, this student went down the steps, crossed the classroom, and played the piano.

When we focus on our failures and shortcomings, we are providing ourselves that negative feedback. And, as this experiment illustrated, the only thing that does is make us want to stop trying—for fear of continually failing. When we, instead focus on what we’re doing right, we are much more likely to feel encouraged and able to continue moving forward in our lives—toward that goal of eventual perfection.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with some very good friends. I don’t remember particulars about the conversation, but I do remember that one of them mentioned how rebellious she is. Now you have to understand the woman that we’re talking about here—she has 5 children and has been through some truly harrowing trials in her life. She has a strong testimony of the gospel, and is doing everything in her power to raise her family according to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through all of her struggles and challenges, she has chosen to remain true to what she knows to be right and good. She is constantly putting her own needs on hold to serve and meet the needs of another person—whether family, friend, or stranger. She is someone that I admire for all of her strength—and yet here she was, expressing concern that she was never enough because there was always MORE that she could do better. There always is. ALWAYS.

I love how Anne Morrow Lindbergh phrased this when she said, “My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people to whom my heart responds.” And instead of “people,” I think we could state instead: causes, situations, and/or concerns. This is true of every effort we can make in this life. We will fall short within ourselves. We will fall short in our family relationships. We will fall short in our community efforts. The list is endless in all of the ways we can fall short!

Too often, we see our situation like Brad Wilcox, former Sunday School board member, described when he said:

In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.

Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.”

Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.”

As similar concerns came up that evening, I found myself practically shouting, “BUT DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN THE ATONEMENT?” Because when we really, truly, actually believe in and act upon the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we no longer view ourselves as flawed and imperfect. We no longer hold ourselves to an impossible standard, where we have to be nearly perfect to access the power of the Atonement. We instead see ourselves the way our Savior does: as one who is worthy of His love and grace no matter where we find ourselves on the path of life. NO MATTER WHERE WE FIND OURSELVES.

Returning to Brother Wilcox’s scenario, he continues:

But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” … Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

Knowing that the love Jesus Christ has for us is secure and real is the best positive reinforcement we can experience in this life. And when allow ourselves, as imperfect beings, to experience that perfect love, we are able to become the person that our Savior sees within us. And knowing who you truly are is such a freeing experience. What others think and say about your imperfections holds a lot less weight when you know you are unconditionally loved. But more than that, what you think and say about your own imperfections changes when you feel that pure love of Christ. Somehow they become a lot less important.

So the next question usually is, “Why should I even try? If Jesus Christ loves me how I am, what’s the point?” The answer comes straight from the Savior Himself. In 1 Peter 1:16, we read words from the Savior, “Be ye holy; for I am holy.” And from 3^rd Nephi 27:27, we read, “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” We show through the choices we make in our lives whether we want to emulate Jesus Christ or not. When we walk in the paths and commandments He has set forth, when we serve in the ways He has taught, He knows whom we have chosen to be our Master, (see John 12:26). And we are blessed and strengthened, even in our weakness, to hold to the path of eventual perfection.

I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know that the Atonement is real. And I know that as we hold to those two things, we will eventually “be…therefore perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect."

First Date

Ten years ago yesterday, I woke up deathly ill. I don't remember much--but I do remember that I wasn't able to be out of bed for more than an hour or two at a time. I also remember that I hoped and prayed (fervently) that whatever it was would go away before tomorrow. Because the next night was supposed to be my first date with Ryan.

I was REALLY looking forward to that date. Ryan had seen me turn guys down before and I didn't want him to doubt that I wanted to go out with him. (That makes me sound like I was a hot item. I really wasn't.) For some reason, I felt very strongly that I WANTED to go on this date. When I wasn't feeling much better by that evening, I asked my dad for a priesthood blessing.

The next morning, I woke up feeling slightly better, but definitely still sick. I was also still incredibly determined to go out with Ryan that night. So, I stayed in bed and rested as much as I could before it was time to get ready.

In the late afternoon, Ryan called. He had heard through a mutual friend that I was pretty sick and wanted to make sure I was still able to go out that night. I reassured him that I was feeling well enough to go out. But just barely.

What I didn't know was that Ryan was sick, too. He went to the necessary classes that morning and ended up asking a mission buddy for a blessing--because HE didn't want to cancel our date either. He skipped work that afternoon to go home and sleep. By date time, he was also feeling well enough to go out. But just barely. (In fact, he said my answer determined his. If I was well enough, he decided he would be, too.)

That night, we went out--two sickies who probably should have stayed home and slept--to grab some dinner and play pool at Ozz in Provo. When we placed our order for dinner, they told us their grill was off--so we couldn't have the burgers we wanted. And then after a few minutes, they decided to leave the grill on for our order--so the burgers were back on. And then after a few more minutes, they came out to tell us that they were out of hamburger buns, and would it be OK to have them on another kind of bread. Once the dinner issues were out of the way, we started playing pool.

I remember being across the pool table from Ryan, holding on to my orange juice, (we both ordered orange juice that night), and laughing, and then coughing. Every time either of us laughed, we both ended in up in coughing fits. There was a lot of laughing and coughing that night.

After Ozz, we went to join some of our friends to play games at Ryan's office while he started a weekly data backup. I don't remember much about the games. Or movie. Or whatever we ended up doing. When it got to be about midnight, our friends were heading home. I had a choice to stay for another couple of hours while Ryan finished the backup or I could go home with friends. I was feeling OK at that point, but I decided to go home and get some more rest. (And we thus avoided the awkward first date doorstep scene.)

Turns out that it was probably a good idea that I went home with our friends that night. As soon as everyone left, Ryan slipped back into feeling horrible again. When he finally went home in his half-sick stupor, he ended up sliding on the icy roads, spinning a few donuts, and hitting a barrier in the middle of the road with his back bumper. (He and his car were totally fine--which was a huge relief!)

I had a great time with Ryan--and, apparently, he had a great time with me, too. We decided to get married a month later and got officially engaged a month after that. I'd like to ask, "Who knew!?," but, really, I think in the back of my mind, I knew. I wasn't ready to admit it for a while, but somewhere deep inside, I knew. And for the rest of my life, that date 10 years ago today will remain the beginning of the best thing that ever happened to me.

My Two Cents...And A Little More

It's time. This post has been formulating in my life for over 2 years now. In my head, it's been pulling together for a couple of weeks. Before that, I didn't dare share my thoughts so publicly. But a conversation began a couple of weeks ago in Relief Society as a result of a lesson. Since I wasn't there to add my perspective, this is how I'm adding to the conversation. I have thought about, discussed, prayed about, (and then thought about a little more), exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. This is what I've got.

Socialization in our ward is hard. I know that there isn't one woman in this ward who hasn't felt repercussions of the very active social scene that we find ourselves in. Whether you perceive yourself as "in" or "out," there are challenges inherent in both perspectives, and you have experienced heartache and/or frustration as a result. Unfortunately feelings don't know the difference between an intended snub and an unintended oversight. I've been there, too. On both sides of the heartache. None of this makes me an expert. But I have learned a few things along the way to finding a happy balance in my life. Here are a few of those things:

You can't invite everyone to everything
In the last few years, I've heard the phrase, "You can't invite everyone to everything" more often than I care to count. While it's not my favorite phrase, (because when you feel on the "out" side of things, hearing that feels like a cop out), it is TRUE. Chances are if we rarely have a real conversation with someone, we aren't going to be invited to their event. Seems like a given to me. Yes, not being invited hurts--especially when, thanks to social media, you see that 15 out of 20 people at the event are people you consider close friends. But we have to respect that everyone has limitations--be it the size of their house or their own feeling of how much party they want to offer. (Or any other issue that determines a guest list.) No one would ever plan any kind of event if an outrageous guest list was required every time. Not even those of us who have felt left out.

Something to add here...when you plan events with your friends, do you try to hide it? I can't tell you how many times I've heard very vaguely about some kind of gathering that has either taken place or will soon take place--but no one will actually talk about it, because they're afraid that someone will feel left out. I'm not saying that everyone who wants to do something with their friends needs to put an announcement in the ward bulletin or post a warning on facebook. But, if it comes up in normal conversation, we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it! It feels MUCH worse to hear about or see pics from something that 10 of your friends attended after the fact when you KNEW something was going on, but no one would say it. It makes it feel like those 10 people all had/have a big secret they're keeping from you. And that feels worse than just being left out. So, we all need to be open.

People are allowed to have friends
We have a lot of amazing and worth-knowing women in this ward, many of whom are visible for their talents and outgoing friendliness. And many of these women are so friendly, welcoming, fun, and *insert your own adjective here* that you immediately feel like you would like to be best friends with any one of them. But due to life circumstances, their "friend quotas" might be full for a period of time. Maybe that outwardly incredible woman is leaning heavily on her closest friends to get through a challenge--and she just doesn't have the energy to spend on cultivating new friendships at the moment. That woman is allowed to spend her time on existing relationships. ANY of us are. For ANY reason. In ANY way that we choose. If you feel on the outside of a situation like this, my advice would be to back off and find other friends who, like you, are currently in the market. Let that desired relationship lie for a season and maybe you can come back to it at another time when life situations are more conducive to developing a solid friendship.

Now, while everyone is allowed to have friends and allowed to do whatever they want with their friends, we all need to remember that at large gatherings, (including baby showers, Relief Society meetings, and any other random large group gathering), there are other people around us. How do you handle those large group gatherings? Do you cluster with your close friends? Do you (intentionally or not) ignore someone sitting on the other side of you because you're chatting with a friend? Or do you open yourself up to a conversation with someone who may need a friend? I think it's normal to believe that someone else will take care of the lonely person over there. But it's important for us all to be THAT someone. On the flip side, if you're the lonely one, try reaching out--don't make anyone else responsible for your enjoyment.

Sorrows that the eye cannot see
Let's say that all of the Relief Society sisters in our ward are sitting together in the chapel. Now, pretend that you're standing in front of the group and point out which women are carrying the following burdens: Whose parents are going through a nasty divorce? Who is dealing with depression? Who feels horrible for yelling at her kids that morning? Who just learned that her childhood friend has a terminal disease? Who is dealing with the addiction of a family member? Who just had a miscarriage? And there are countless others that I know of, but I didn't mention. In most cases, unless we are a close friend, (and sometimes even then), we have no idea what burdens are being carried in the hearts of any one of those sisters. Yet, we come to church on Sunday, feeling our own burdens, and have an expectation that someone will reach out to us--because we need love and support. Then, when the expectation is not met, (either at all or in the way we wanted it to be), we feel let down and even worse than we did when we arrived. But what if we treated every sister like she is carrying a heavy burden? How would that change your actions? (And to clarify, I have no idea whether anyone in our ward is actually experiencing those things. They're just examples I came up with.)

As I have had conversations with various ladies in the ward about this topic, one common theme I've found is that we all think that our combination of circumstances justifies us in not reaching out. Even when we know a little about others' burdens, we somehow convince ourselves that "Sister Q" has it easier because of Reasons X, Y, and Z. Or we think that "Sister M" doesn't have any right to feel lonely--because we've seen her in those pics of that event on social media. Yeah, maybe it doesn't seem fair. But who are we to determine what another person should or shouldn't feel? I'll refer you to what I said in the paragraph above. Let's give each other a break, OK?

Friendships fluctuate
This is an incredibly difficult and potentially damaging issue when you're dealing with a large group of good friends. We all want that ONE friend. The ONE that calls us when she's sad. The ONE that calls us when she's happy. The ONE that calls us when she wants to go out for sushi. The ONE that calls us when she wants to go thrifting. The ONE that texts us a picture when she can't decide which shoes to wear. The ONE that we want to call for all of the above. And sometimes we feel like we're well on our way to having that friend. Maybe we're even that ONE friend. And then things change for whatever reason, (and there are a lot of possibilities here). But friendships don't stay static. And the ONE friend with whom you mutually met needs during a certain season may not fit as well as you both transition into another season. And a friendship you previously weren't too invested in begins to blossom. This is a very normal part of friendship.

I have a friend like this. I thought that we were getting to be very close friends and, because of that, I had expectations for our friendship. But, as it turned out, something in each of our lives changed and things between us began to be incompatible. My expectations were not met and I felt hurt. It was at this point that I decided to distance myself from that relationship. I completely changed my expectations and set firm boundaries for myself. After several months of this, something changed again in each of our lives. Our experiences were again compatible. Do we see eye to eye? Not really, but the things we've been through have brought us separately to a place of understanding again. Is she my ONE friend. No--but we are good friends again. And that is still a very good place to be.

You are the only one who can change your situation
When talking about the social situation in our ward, I often get the feeling that those who have been hurt expect someone else to fix their problem. Why do we give away our power like this? Why do we insist on being acted upon, instead of acting for ourselves? If you're the one who has been left out time and time again, what are you doing about it? If you are the one who desperately wants a friend, what are you doing about it? If you need someone to sit next to in Relief Society, what are you doing about it?

I went through a really challenging time socially. I'm not going to say when (or for how long) and I'm not going to say specifics--I'll just say that every single time I heard about ANYTHING social that I wasn't invited to, it was very, VERY difficult. As I thought about it, I realized that these groups of friends had no idea that I was hurt. They were simply enjoying their lives and their friends--and I could remain angry and hurt or I could enjoy MY life and MY friends. I decided to take charge of my own social life and set up an event. I decided on a few parameters: it couldn't take time away from my family, it should be something that would help me improve, it needed to occur on a regular basis, and it had to be fun. I came up with such an activity and through prayer, I determined a short guest list--which ended up consisting mostly of people I didn't know very well. The first few months, it was a little awkward. Our conversations were of the "getting to know you" variety, which aren't very comfortable. But, over time, (all friendships take time), those awkward conversations have grown into great friendships.

Now, are you supposed to do the same thing I did? I don't know. You are a different person from me. You have different availability, interests, and desires. But I do know that when you pray about your own situation, you will know what to do. And that feeling of acting, instead of being acted upon, is so empowering.

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Like I said, I am certainly not an expert on our ward's socialization. But I'm really grateful for what I've learned because recently, for the first time since I moved into the ward 3 1/2 years ago, I have finally become completely at peace with the social situation here. It has been an incredibly challenging journey at times, and has taken a lot of effort and a lot of heartache to get to this point. My hope is that somehow my experiences might help someone avoid any further heartache while navigating the ins and outs of our social circles.

12 Years

Yesterday, while preparing for a YW activity, I spent a couple of hours looking through my old photos. A few from my baby years, several from high school, even more from college, and HUNDREDS from my mission. (Maybe not quite hundreds, but who's counting?) I suppose this was perfect timing, as today marks a dozen years since I entered the MTC.

Having somewhat recently returned from an amazing trip to the Baltic states, where I lived and served for 18 months, this day is quite poignant for me. I spent time there with some of the members, (Chans, Vera Koemets, and Jelena Kalnina), I walked those city streets again, I smelled the same smells, I saw the same buildings (and a LOT of new ones), and I relived a million memories.

As I look back on the past 12 years, I've started to undestand how much that experience shaped me. I think no matter where I had gone in the world, those 18 months still would have refined me like nothing else can. Not high school. Not college. Not marriage. Not raising children. Don't get me wrong--all of those things have shaped me. But nothing can compare to the experience of a mission.

I learned how to really feel and listen to the spirit for myself. And, as I've described previously, I knew when my companion and I were both in tune with that voice. I learned how to deal with my doubts and fears. We all have them. I don't think anyone can get through a mission without encountering some kind of opposition--and you have to figure out how to move through it. I learned how to better work with all kinds of people: companions, church members, investigators, bobs on the street, teenage girls on the bus, strangers who needed a smile. But more than anything, I learned a lot more about my Savior Jesus Christ, whose name I wore for the world to see for a year and a half. I came to understand that I was truly doing His work. I was sharing His love and His light with people He loves.

I am so grateful that's the path I felt directed to take in my life. It has shaped who I am and where I am now. And though there were days, weeks, and months that were incredibly hard, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat. Because it was all completely worth it.

The Bus Stop

Last month, during the General Relief Society Broadcast, I was reminded of my mission. And, more specifically, the guidance and spiritual impressions I received as a missionary. One experience in particular stood out.

I was in Tallinn, Estonia at the time. It was early February and I recently been assigned a new companion. We had been asked by our mission president to "harvest" in our areas. Harvesting meant that we were to plan time to go tracting, (going door to door to invite people to learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ), pray specifically about which area to go to, knock on every door in the building, and, for those who were open to it, we would pray with them in their homes. One night, my companion and I decided we would go harvesting. I wrote about the experience in my journal:

[Sister Lucas and I] didn't know where to go - so we prayed. We decided that Lasnamae seemed like a great place and we decided on the exact place, (bus stop), within Lasnamae. When we got off the bus, I just followed Sis. Lucas to see where she would go. We came to a little "fork" in our path and I felt we should go right, but didn't say anything. Well--Sis. Lucas went right--and I kept following. As I looked around, I thought "We need to go to that big dom (Russian apartment building) over there--the first stairwell." It was a locked stairwell--like most in Lasnamae, so I didn't know how we were going to get in. But as I followed Sis. Lucas there--again without talking, we found that the door wasn't all the way closed. So--we started to tract.

When we tracted these huge apartment buildings, we would ride the elevator all the way to the top of the building, and then start knocking on doors floor by floor and heading down. A few floors down, we met an Estonian girl and had a great religious conversation with her.

What I remember most about that night was absolute silence while Sis. Lucas and I were walking through the cold darkness. We didn't say one word to each other, yet we were both directed where we needed to be that particular night. The distinct feeling of being led by God's hand is still imprinted on my soul.

There wasn't anything in particular which brought this memory to the surface during the broadcast. Just a general feeling while listening to the speakers intensified my desire to be led like that again--to KNOW that I was being led and to see the miracles like I saw as a missionary. After the meeting, I went home and began praying for those experiences again. A few days later, on Monday, I was taking my girls to their school bus stops when the Lord began answering my prayers.

As a little bit of background, my girls go to different schools this year, and their buses pick up on opposite (diagonal) corners of an intersection where a middle school is located. I had to park on one side of the street, walk my kids across to one stop, and then cross back over to the other side to get my other daughter on her bus. Between the timing of the middle school starting and two different buses picking up, that intersection is CRAZY for about 20 minutes every school morning--my kids and I had almost been hit twice while crossing back over for the second bus, and another little boy had nearly been hit while crossing to the first bus.

That Monday morning, I got my first daughter on her bus, and waited for the signal to change so we could cross back for the second. When the green walky guy, (as we call it), showed up, we began to cross. When we were about 1/2 way across the street, just as signal was about to change to the red flashing hand, I looked up and saw a small gray Mazda hatchback speeding down the street. He was coming way too fast--especially for the school zone--and I was concerned that he wasn't going to be able to stop in time. Since my daughter usually runs ahead when the red hand starts flashing, I grabbed her and said, "Stay RIGHT with me," and stopped right in the middle of the street. Within a second, the car sped through the crosswalk right in front of us, nearly hitting the cars that were turning left out of middle school drop-off. It was an extremely scary situation and shook me up a bit.

In that moment, two things happened. First, I knew that God had protected us. I knew that I had looked up to see the car for a reason. I knew that I had kept my daughter close for a reason. I knew that the driver hadn't caused an accident for a reason. Secondly, I knew that it had happened to me for a reason. I didn't know exactly how it was going to happen, but I KNEW that I had to get that bus stop changed.

When I returned home that morning, I called the police and the school district transportation office. I emailed principals at both kids' schools and I posted on my city's facebook page. Both the police and the transportation office told me that they'd take it into account, but couldn't say that anything would change. Knowing that this was a battle dual-school parents had been fighting for years was very discouraging.

Tuesday morning, I received a phone call telling me an officer was posted at the intersection--and sure enough, when I arrived, someone had already been pulled over. I wanted to personally thank the officer, but since he was busy with another school zone speeder when it was time to go, I didn't get the chance. That morning, I also printed up mini-fliers with the school transportation office's number and handed them out to parents at the bus stops. Many parents told me they would call. Tuesday afternoon, I received a call from one of the school principals. He informed me that he had forwarded my email to the head of district transportation, along with a note from himself, and that since it had come from both principals, it was "having quite an impact" (his words) at the transportation office. They would be sending an observer to come out to the location and monitor the situation, though a date had not been set for that yet. I knew that God had directed me in whom to contact and what to say as I was relating my story and asking for help.

Wednesday morning, traffic was a little quieter at the intersection and the officer wasn't there. I was pretty upset that they sent someone for only ONE DAY. This same day, while standing on a corner, a car was coming a little too fast for the school zone--and I yelled, "School zone! This is a school zone!" as he turned the corner. A few minutes later, he walked from around the corner and proceeded to yell at me for telling him to slow down. When the bus arrived a minute later, the driver sternly instructed another woman that she was not to cross the street on a green light if the green man wasn't lit up. (I later looked this up and found, as far as I can tell, that this isn't true.) The pressure of the entire situation settled down on me in that moment and my daughter and I were in tears by the time her bus pulled away. As soon as I left that day, I decided that we would use an alternate bus stop until the district moved it to a safer location. That night, I prayed that something would happen when the observer came so that s/he would be able to clearly see the danger of the situation.

Thursday morning, I took my older daughter to the alternate bus stop. We got to leave the house a few minutes later than usual and were quite happy with the much, MUCH safer location. The only drawback is that I have to drive my other daughter to school, but a 10-minute inconvenience is nothing in comparison to what we'd been dealing with. While waiting for the bus, a police officer drove up. He was there to report to another parent on a completely unrelated situation, but it turned out he was the same officer assigned to our former bus stop. I was able to thank him for coming--and he explained that some improvements in school zone signage were needed at that intersection. He gave me his card and told me to call if I needed anything else. I knew that God had inspired me to change stops beginning that morning, when my original thought had been to give it one more day, (Thursday was our last day of school that week). I also know that it wasn't a coincidence that the officer stopped by the other stop that day.

At that point, I wasn't sure how things were going to work out, but I felt confident that God had it all in His hands. There had been too many instances that had worked out perfectly for me to doubt that everything happening was divinely guided.

Early the following week, when I was picking up my oldest daughter from her (much safer) afternoon bus stop, I saw one of the other ladies from the dangerous morning stop. She informed me that the observer had come on Thursday morning--and that he had also almost been hit while crossing the street. That combined with simply observing the rest of the chaos had been enough to convince him that the bus stop needed to move. I was grateful that he hadn't been hurt! And, once again, I felt these things were an answer to prayer and one more instance reminding me that God was truly guiding me, aware of me, and showing me His miracles in small, personal ways.

The end to this story? The bus stop was changed from the south side of the intersection to the north side. While the location is a little bit safer, I still refuse to cross the street, so I have chosen to permanently stay at the alternate bus stop. Plus, I get to leave the house 10 minutes later--which makes our mornings a lot calmer.

While I have wanted to post about the details since it happened, I have hesitated posting the spiritual side of things. In considering this, I am reminded of Elder Bednar's most recent conference talk in which he taught about "significant but subtle" blessings in our lives. While it may appear subtle to others, this experience has been significant for me--a reminder that God IS directing my steps as a mother and as a person. What amazes me most is that God was able to answer my prayers in such a direct, personal way. I have been reminded that my steps are guided and that God does still allow me to witness miracles--even though they may seem small to the understanding of men.

There's a Crack in Everything

It's hard to believe 4 months have passed since I last blogged! It seems that time has flown by in a blink. There are a lot of things I'd love to blog about, (like my amazing trip to the Baltics! That may come later...), but today, inspiration has struck about something completely different.

Today, during the worldwide General Conference for my church, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, gave a talk about mental illness and how to show compassion for those who are dealing with it. He emphasized that there are a lot of things we can say or imply about how someone else should deal with their trials, and more often than not, those things are judgmental and anything but compassionate. Having somewhat recently dealt with post-partum depression, I identified with his talk in many ways. And, if Facebook is any kind of indicator, Elder Holland's is among the most popular talks from the 2 sessions presented today, so I know I'm not alone in that identification.

During part of his talk, Elder Holland said, "Though we may feel that we are like a broken vessel, as the psalmist says, we must remember that vessel is in the hand of The Divine Potter." His comment reminded me of a quote that says, "There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." (Leonard Cohen--To be quite honest, I have no idea what the context of this quote is.)

When I first read this quote, I thought it was strange and I didn't get it. So I continued to think about what it meant for me. Over time, I came to really love it. If there isn't some kind of opening, how would light ever get in? If we are each sound vessels, with no imperfections, the Light of the World (Jesus Christ) would never be able to enter our hearts. More than that, there would be no need for Him to enter our hearts if we were perfect.

In the context of Elder Holland's talk today, I thought about how we are all broken vessels in one way or another. Physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, we may have a few hairline fractures or may even feel smashed to pieces, but that is how the Light gets in. It is these experiences of mortal life that grant us a desire to draw closer to our Savior. Without them, we would have no need for Him or for His light. It is that Light that will fill and fix those cracks, (or put us back together as the case may be), and make us whole again.

This has been my experience as I dealt with post-partum depression. I am grateful for my therapist, who I know is blessed with a talent to counsel people and help them navigate their tough times. And, more than that, I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Without His Atonement, healing from the depression I experienced would not have been possible. All healing and improvement in any life is possible only in and through Jesus Christ--whether we acknowledge that reality or not.

So, next time you feel like a broken vessel, allow yourself to ponder on the life of the Savior and His perfect love for you. And know that's how the light gets in.

Weekend Recap

I am so tired. SO. TIRED. That's what happens when you have a whirlwind weekend vacation. Here's a (hopefully) short run down of the weekend:

Thursday
Flew to UT. I sat in the window seat with Tanner. The lady next to me was a little large for her seat, so Tanner and I sat in 2/3 of our seat. It was a bit cramped. At least Tanner was pretty well-behaved and happy for the entire flight. It was a little tiring trying to keep him from touching the lady--but she was very nice about it.
Stayed up talking with Mirinda, who just had her first baby, (which is why I went to UT). I got to meet little Adilay Miri, who doesn't like to go to bed for the night until about 2 a.m. So I hung out with them until Adi decided to go to sleep.

Friday
Had a girls' lunch with my mom, sisters, sister-in-law, and her mom. (Oh, and Tanner and Adi came, too.) Afterward, we ran lots of errands to prepare for Adi's blessing brunch on Sunday.
I took a short(ish) nap that afternoon. Definitely needed, considering that I already was lacking on sleep.
Tanner got a haircut. It's so nice to have a stylist in the family! Baby mullet is officially gone.
That night, my brother's family arrived late. Stayed up until 2 a.m. laughing and talking and watching YouTube videos with my siblings.

Saturday
We had a family breakfast and then I took Carissa and my nephew, (who was the only non-baby boy there), to run more errands. Part of my quest was to introduce my family to Virgil's root beer--which I accomplished. (They all loved it!)
For the hour or two until dinner, we hung out all together, played games on our tablets, and chatted.
That evening, we went to Café Rio. I don't think I need to say any more about that. Yum.
After dinner, my sister-in-law and I put the babies to bed and ran another errand. It was fun to have talking time with her.
Once the kids were in bed, we played "Wits and Wagers." Carissa had mentioned the game to me earlier that day, (it was a coincidence that we played it that night), and we had discussed how our family would easily get distracted by a detail of the game. Sure enough, we had more fun naming our wager chips than actually playing the game. Some of my favorite names: Carn, Buffalo, Ghost, Pirate. Oh, and the fact that when asked how many Superbowl titles the Dallas Cowboys had won, all but 2 of us guessed 5. And we were right. It was kind of epic.
My goal was to get to bed before 2 a.m. this night. I headed upstairs at 1:30...and ended up talking with my sister, (we shared a room), until 2:30 instead. Oh well.

Sunday
With all of the people in the house sharing 2 1/2 bathrooms, I was up at 6:30 to get ready for 9 a.m. church. I don't think 4 hours is ever enough sleep...
Little Adi looked beautiful in the heirloom-style blessing dress my mom and sister made for her. She is such a cute little Snuglet.
The blessing was wonderful--and immediately following sacrament meeting, we headed to the house for a family brunch. Had my other 3 kids been there, I would have been crazy--but it was fun loading up my nieces and nephews with all the sugary treats they requested and watching them run around and play. Tanner started falling asleep in his high chair. Guess I wasn't the only one not getting enough sleep.
After everyone left, I did boring things like pack. And hold the baby. But that wasn't boring.
My flight was delayed about 30 minutes, which I found out BEFORE we left for the airport. It was much better to spend time waiting at the house, instead of at the airport. (In the end, the pilots arrived early from Atlanta--so we weren't as late as we were supposed to be.)
Tanner was not fun on the flight home. He was overtired, uncooperative, and somewhat fussy. At least the people sitting near me were super nice. And we had our entire window seat to ourselves this time. The extra few inches were nice.
The whole crew came to pick me up from the airport. According to Ryan, Clayton stayed awake the entire drive to the airport and the entire time they were in the cell lot. While his sisters were sleeping, he was chatting and wide awake waiting to see mom. When they arrived at the curb, I leaned in and said hi to him, and he IMMEDIATELY dropped off to sleep. It was pretty funny.
We finally got home at about 10:45 p.m.

Today, we are all so tired. (The rest of my family went to Ocean Shores to play at Nana and Papa's house for the weekend.) My kids all slept in and we're all moving in slow motion. The weekend was quite fun for all of us, though. Now I just need to get my siblings to bring their families up HERE to visit. :)