My Two Cents...And A Little More

It's time. This post has been formulating in my life for over 2 years now. In my head, it's been pulling together for a couple of weeks. Before that, I didn't dare share my thoughts so publicly. But a conversation began a couple of weeks ago in Relief Society as a result of a lesson. Since I wasn't there to add my perspective, this is how I'm adding to the conversation. I have thought about, discussed, prayed about, (and then thought about a little more), exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. This is what I've got.

Socialization in our ward is hard. I know that there isn't one woman in this ward who hasn't felt repercussions of the very active social scene that we find ourselves in. Whether you perceive yourself as "in" or "out," there are challenges inherent in both perspectives, and you have experienced heartache and/or frustration as a result. Unfortunately feelings don't know the difference between an intended snub and an unintended oversight. I've been there, too. On both sides of the heartache. None of this makes me an expert. But I have learned a few things along the way to finding a happy balance in my life. Here are a few of those things:

You can't invite everyone to everything
In the last few years, I've heard the phrase, "You can't invite everyone to everything" more often than I care to count. While it's not my favorite phrase, (because when you feel on the "out" side of things, hearing that feels like a cop out), it is TRUE. Chances are if we rarely have a real conversation with someone, we aren't going to be invited to their event. Seems like a given to me. Yes, not being invited hurts--especially when, thanks to social media, you see that 15 out of 20 people at the event are people you consider close friends. But we have to respect that everyone has limitations--be it the size of their house or their own feeling of how much party they want to offer. (Or any other issue that determines a guest list.) No one would ever plan any kind of event if an outrageous guest list was required every time. Not even those of us who have felt left out.

Something to add here...when you plan events with your friends, do you try to hide it? I can't tell you how many times I've heard very vaguely about some kind of gathering that has either taken place or will soon take place--but no one will actually talk about it, because they're afraid that someone will feel left out. I'm not saying that everyone who wants to do something with their friends needs to put an announcement in the ward bulletin or post a warning on facebook. But, if it comes up in normal conversation, we shouldn't be afraid to talk about it! It feels MUCH worse to hear about or see pics from something that 10 of your friends attended after the fact when you KNEW something was going on, but no one would say it. It makes it feel like those 10 people all had/have a big secret they're keeping from you. And that feels worse than just being left out. So, we all need to be open.

People are allowed to have friends
We have a lot of amazing and worth-knowing women in this ward, many of whom are visible for their talents and outgoing friendliness. And many of these women are so friendly, welcoming, fun, and *insert your own adjective here* that you immediately feel like you would like to be best friends with any one of them. But due to life circumstances, their "friend quotas" might be full for a period of time. Maybe that outwardly incredible woman is leaning heavily on her closest friends to get through a challenge--and she just doesn't have the energy to spend on cultivating new friendships at the moment. That woman is allowed to spend her time on existing relationships. ANY of us are. For ANY reason. In ANY way that we choose. If you feel on the outside of a situation like this, my advice would be to back off and find other friends who, like you, are currently in the market. Let that desired relationship lie for a season and maybe you can come back to it at another time when life situations are more conducive to developing a solid friendship.

Now, while everyone is allowed to have friends and allowed to do whatever they want with their friends, we all need to remember that at large gatherings, (including baby showers, Relief Society meetings, and any other random large group gathering), there are other people around us. How do you handle those large group gatherings? Do you cluster with your close friends? Do you (intentionally or not) ignore someone sitting on the other side of you because you're chatting with a friend? Or do you open yourself up to a conversation with someone who may need a friend? I think it's normal to believe that someone else will take care of the lonely person over there. But it's important for us all to be THAT someone. On the flip side, if you're the lonely one, try reaching out--don't make anyone else responsible for your enjoyment.

Sorrows that the eye cannot see
Let's say that all of the Relief Society sisters in our ward are sitting together in the chapel. Now, pretend that you're standing in front of the group and point out which women are carrying the following burdens: Whose parents are going through a nasty divorce? Who is dealing with depression? Who feels horrible for yelling at her kids that morning? Who just learned that her childhood friend has a terminal disease? Who is dealing with the addiction of a family member? Who just had a miscarriage? And there are countless others that I know of, but I didn't mention. In most cases, unless we are a close friend, (and sometimes even then), we have no idea what burdens are being carried in the hearts of any one of those sisters. Yet, we come to church on Sunday, feeling our own burdens, and have an expectation that someone will reach out to us--because we need love and support. Then, when the expectation is not met, (either at all or in the way we wanted it to be), we feel let down and even worse than we did when we arrived. But what if we treated every sister like she is carrying a heavy burden? How would that change your actions? (And to clarify, I have no idea whether anyone in our ward is actually experiencing those things. They're just examples I came up with.)

As I have had conversations with various ladies in the ward about this topic, one common theme I've found is that we all think that our combination of circumstances justifies us in not reaching out. Even when we know a little about others' burdens, we somehow convince ourselves that "Sister Q" has it easier because of Reasons X, Y, and Z. Or we think that "Sister M" doesn't have any right to feel lonely--because we've seen her in those pics of that event on social media. Yeah, maybe it doesn't seem fair. But who are we to determine what another person should or shouldn't feel? I'll refer you to what I said in the paragraph above. Let's give each other a break, OK?

Friendships fluctuate
This is an incredibly difficult and potentially damaging issue when you're dealing with a large group of good friends. We all want that ONE friend. The ONE that calls us when she's sad. The ONE that calls us when she's happy. The ONE that calls us when she wants to go out for sushi. The ONE that calls us when she wants to go thrifting. The ONE that texts us a picture when she can't decide which shoes to wear. The ONE that we want to call for all of the above. And sometimes we feel like we're well on our way to having that friend. Maybe we're even that ONE friend. And then things change for whatever reason, (and there are a lot of possibilities here). But friendships don't stay static. And the ONE friend with whom you mutually met needs during a certain season may not fit as well as you both transition into another season. And a friendship you previously weren't too invested in begins to blossom. This is a very normal part of friendship.

I have a friend like this. I thought that we were getting to be very close friends and, because of that, I had expectations for our friendship. But, as it turned out, something in each of our lives changed and things between us began to be incompatible. My expectations were not met and I felt hurt. It was at this point that I decided to distance myself from that relationship. I completely changed my expectations and set firm boundaries for myself. After several months of this, something changed again in each of our lives. Our experiences were again compatible. Do we see eye to eye? Not really, but the things we've been through have brought us separately to a place of understanding again. Is she my ONE friend. No--but we are good friends again. And that is still a very good place to be.

You are the only one who can change your situation
When talking about the social situation in our ward, I often get the feeling that those who have been hurt expect someone else to fix their problem. Why do we give away our power like this? Why do we insist on being acted upon, instead of acting for ourselves? If you're the one who has been left out time and time again, what are you doing about it? If you are the one who desperately wants a friend, what are you doing about it? If you need someone to sit next to in Relief Society, what are you doing about it?

I went through a really challenging time socially. I'm not going to say when (or for how long) and I'm not going to say specifics--I'll just say that every single time I heard about ANYTHING social that I wasn't invited to, it was very, VERY difficult. As I thought about it, I realized that these groups of friends had no idea that I was hurt. They were simply enjoying their lives and their friends--and I could remain angry and hurt or I could enjoy MY life and MY friends. I decided to take charge of my own social life and set up an event. I decided on a few parameters: it couldn't take time away from my family, it should be something that would help me improve, it needed to occur on a regular basis, and it had to be fun. I came up with such an activity and through prayer, I determined a short guest list--which ended up consisting mostly of people I didn't know very well. The first few months, it was a little awkward. Our conversations were of the "getting to know you" variety, which aren't very comfortable. But, over time, (all friendships take time), those awkward conversations have grown into great friendships.

Now, are you supposed to do the same thing I did? I don't know. You are a different person from me. You have different availability, interests, and desires. But I do know that when you pray about your own situation, you will know what to do. And that feeling of acting, instead of being acted upon, is so empowering.

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Like I said, I am certainly not an expert on our ward's socialization. But I'm really grateful for what I've learned because recently, for the first time since I moved into the ward 3 1/2 years ago, I have finally become completely at peace with the social situation here. It has been an incredibly challenging journey at times, and has taken a lot of effort and a lot of heartache to get to this point. My hope is that somehow my experiences might help someone avoid any further heartache while navigating the ins and outs of our social circles.